Psychologist: “It’s Easier to Say ‘I Love You’ or Discuss Sex in a Foreign Language”
Ahead of Valentine’s Day and Self-Love Day, we explore why our emotions can sometimes feel like a movie script, how a foreign language becomes a psychological shield, and why it’s vital to choose yourself.
One Word for Your Partner, Another for Your Pizza: The Unique “Wall” in Slavic Languages
In English, the word “love” is a universal tool. You can say “I love you” to your partner, your favorite pizza, or a hobby. It’s flexible, but the boundaries are blurred.
However, if you look at Ukrainian and Belarusian, you’ll find a “reinforced concrete wall” that doesn't exist in English or even Polish. The Romantic Sacred: There is a specific word — “kakháts” (BE) / “kokháty” (UA). It is used exclusively for romantic love. You cannot “kakháts” soup, a car or a child. The Rest of the World: For everything else — parents, country, pasta, or bicycles — there is a different word: “lyubíts” (BE) / “lyubýty” (UA).
This clear distinction makes these languages incredibly unique. To a Belarusian or Ukrainian, hearing someone “romantically love” (kakháts) an object sounds as bizarre as a glitch in the matrix.
How it Works in Other Languages
In Poland, the system is closer to English. “Kochać” means to love very deeply, while “lubić” means to like. Both can apply to people and objects alike.
Spanish offers three levels:
Gustar (like a social media “like”).
Querer (loving more than liking, used for both people and things).
Amar (profound, often used in poetry or melodramas, reserved only for people).
The Phenomenon of Self-Love Day
Globally, February 13th is increasingly celebrated as Self-Love Day. This concept resonates deeply with those who are not in a romantic relationship and find "soulmate" slogans alienating.
Is there real merit to this holiday? We discussed this and the impact of foreign languages on our psyche with psychologist, polyglot, and translator Natalia Skibskaya.
Natalia Skibskaya. Photo from a private archive.
Feeling Like a Child, Then Seeing Through Two Lenses
“Learning a foreign language is a total ‘re-wiring’ of the brain,” says Natalia. “When an adult starts learning a new language, their psyche goes through several layers of transformation. Initially, we feel like children: unable to find words, joking awkwardly, feeling less intelligent. This gap between ‘who I am’ and ‘how I sound’ creates intense cognitive tension. In emigration, this can lead to a temporary drop in self-esteem because a person simplifies their speech for a long time — until the brain forms a new linguistic ‘Self’ and creates new neural connections.”
“But the most fascinating part happens at the level of meaning. In psycholinguistics, this is called a shift in concepts. For example, when a Belarusian and a Pole hear the same word — like Woń or Uroda — opposite associations may trigger in their minds. Over time, your internal library of images grows, doubles, and then merges. You begin to see the world through two different lenses simultaneously.”
The Foreign Language as a “Shield” and “Anesthesia”
“Because of this, using a foreign language to express feelings has its own peculiarities due to the phenomenon of linguistic detachment. For many, a foreign language truly becomes a ‘shield.’
It is easier to say ‘I love you’ or discuss sexual issues in a non-native language because those words don’t carry the heavy baggage of childhood memories, parental prohibitions, or cultural pathos. It’s a form of psychological anesthesia.”
“The flip side is the feeling of ‘plasticity.’ Our deepest emotions ‘live’ in the part of the brain closely tied to our first language. Therefore, a Polish kocham might be perceived by the brain as a role in a movie: the words are spoken, but there’s no feeling in the body. As the new linguistic ‘Self’ matures, this feeling decreases. However, in times of severe stress, it remains harder to talk about feelings. This is why psychotherapy in one's native language is often more effective — it allows us to work through deeper psychological layers.”
Self-Love: Marketing Trick or Survival Strategy?
“The truth is in the middle. Yes, brands want to sell candles, but the concept of Self-Love Day is a powerful mechanism of psychological adaptation and defense. The time before February 14th is emotionally charged due to social pressure. Valentine’s Day acts as a ‘social spotlight’ on the absence of a partner. In emigration, this is intensified by the lack of social ties. Self-Love Day legitimizes your right to be alone and happy.”
“It’s a great excuse to shift the focus from ‘nobody chose me’ to ‘I choose myself.’ In emigration, we are often our own most important support system.
For a migrant, self-care is not a luxury — it is a necessity and a prevention against depression. It helps you pause and ask: ‘What have I done for the person closest to me — myself — during this year of adaptation?’”
“So, if buying a candle or a scented cream helps you ritualize your evening and lower your cortisol levels — let it be marketing; in this case, it’s working for you. Furthermore, self-love and self-acceptance are prerequisites for the ability to truly love another without forming dependent relationships. This sequence is very logical: first, Self-Love Day, and then Valentine’s Day.”